Deep thoughts.

Well as of late I've been talking to a lot of people & friends. And a lot has been brought to light to me. I'm not really sure how to process all this. But a lot of it confuses me. "Be your self.", "Your trying to hard.", "Be more natural.". I'm not really sure what to do with all this informative stuff. A lot is different which leaves me in a state of confusion. I'm someone who can only be impulsive when there is a plan B just in case. Dunno. Always been extremely conservative of my decisions.

My life has been on shifting sands as of late. Lean one way and the sand moves out from under me. Reaching a point in my life where I feel i'm in a lack of love. But a lot of it is due to wants not needs. Dunno if you really can need love. But i do want it. But, i'm letting my desperation get the better of me.  I've got a lot I want. Werther I need it or not is another question. 

I've been pushing my self harder then I have looking for friendships, Close friends, and possible meaningful relationship. But at the same time I'm trying to sort out a lot. I need to find out who I am. Honestly I have no self identity. I pretty much just take on what ever those around me have. Yes i adapt a little bit to suit me more. But still its not me. Well i guess i'm not very certain.

Something thats been weighing heavy on me has been the love life my closest friend/brother has found. Since his first step in to the fall that was his love I lost my only source of love and affection. Least it was the well I always tapped on. Emotionally its left me confused, drained and lonely. Feels like I'm lost in a sea of sorrow and my only life preserver is gone. And desperation is hitting me looking for something to stay afloat. Which has lead to a lot bad moves on my part. I've repressed a lot inside which has only incited an out ward explosion of my emotions when i grew to unstable. I still trying to find something to mend my heart. But I've learned that I shouldn't try so hard. At the same time that thought confuses me. Since i always thought you should fight for what you want. But it's true I don't know what i really want. I've been pushing on my self looking for friends. Which on retrospect its not working. Also, having rejection issues doesn't help cause i freak out when i feel rejected that i try and push a little harder. 

Its hard to find someone to talk to. I've started to think to deeply who i should talk to. Then break down whether or not they want to listen. Or really will listen with intent. Will the advice be what i need or what i want to hear. Or if they'll feel i'm just burdening them with my emotional drama of my life. Then the search for friends in a deeper sense has been rather fruitless. Cause I'm trying to hard. I really don't understand this meet someone once and talk to them you know then and there. I suck at conversations. Lets face it. My topics are PC Games Cars Sexual stuff and furry stuff. Which leaves me less for the intellectual person. My passions are all mixed up. 

Love hmmm not much i can say on the topic. I'm a little at a loss with what i want. I want a lot but feel i have so little to give. And my past relationships have left me a bit jaded while still love lost. Failing past relationships on my part also weighs heavy on my hesitation then lastly we have. Me keeping someone away who seemed to like/love me as much I did them. Just out of the jaded fears of being hurt or hurting them. And due to those choices on my part i lost him to another.

Friends. I was told you'll know when you have good friends. They'll and you'll just know. I really don't understand that i guess. I always feel i have to try to be a good friend. Or else everything will fall apart. I'm really not good with my affections. The way a I behave is so awkward and clunky I think to hard on whats the next step and always end up hesitating my next step. I freak out then when I feel like i did wrong. 

Sexual. Its a dry well. Confused about a lot wanting more so but still feeling some inner fears. I'm not really sure where this is all headed. I really do want more from my life.  Just what i don't know. 

Just need to vent.

 Its been years since I've bothered using this.

But now more then ever i need somewhere to vent push all my frustration, depression, Anger and annoyance. I couldn't care if i'm screaming in to the dark i just need to know someone can see these at some point.

I'm just so sick of my life right now. I work and strive and work more. I'm driving my self in to the ground emotionally. I work so many hours to achieve nothing. I get so tired sad depress sick and frustrated every time i see my friends able to endlessly do what i want. I try so hard to achieve my goals and it seems they're always out of reach. 

Four years of laboring school debt. And still i keep sinking money in to my car. Just to keep it running. I still owe one of my best friends so much money for buying the car to begin with and still not paid off. But i keep working. 

I despise my job my boss and everything related to my line of work. I feel as if that $26,000 was a complete waste of money and time. On my part. My field is flooded with A and B techs. Finding a new job is harder then it seems. The company i work for my two co workers which are both leaving. Haven't seen raises in 2 to 3 years. I've been doing my job the boss' job they're job. I can't deal with it any more. Its just so tiring to work so hard to gain nothing. Another dead end job after working my hands and arms away. My job has destroyed my hands. My back is screwed up. Burn marks here and there. But for what Four years of my exsistance with out vacation. My own roommate has gone on vacation 3 or  4 times leaving the USA while I've spent all this time at home working. Every friend i know seems to be able to get up and go on vacation. I strive year after year. To get away feel some freedom. People tell me so why don't just go one vacation. With what money and to where?! Anthro Con was supposed to be my get away see friends feel free. Even have some "Fun" but even now i'm sitting at home depressed. Reading twitter is just getting my more and more down. I try and avoid it then i feel completely alone and isolated. Its just all laying on to my more and more. I really need to get away i need some where someone to let me feel free.

I'm so tired of working hour on hour on hour. Of my life to gain nothing. 

I live by such mediocre standers just to feel as if i'm getting by in life. "Shoot high, Aim low" That way you'll never be let down. I'm tired of it. 9 months of the gym fell of the horse cause of December then couldn't get my self going again. I feel alone at the gym i feel as I've gained little to nothing. I want someone to help push me i can't get that. I try to work a way just to get the one goal I've wanted since i was a active fur as a fursuit trying my best to get people to work with me but i continue to get brushed off. Why is it that everything i want out of life seems to always continually push me away?

Now I've got confidence issues. I constantly nit pick my own personality i hate my self at times. I can't feel relaxed i starting to develop social anxiety. I've started feeling isolated in groups. I crave more then ever to be apart of something. But i don't know what i want. I just keep pushing for something. I've started to feel panic that i'm alienating friends. I feel indifferent constantly. I can't seem to ever smile. I want to be happy. But not a clue what will bring my happiness. Other then petty materialistic things. 

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My love life i've kept away from out of fear of hurting the ones i'm interested in. The closest friend i've got who was at one point interested in me i lost. I try to get over it but it haunts my every living day. and every time i try to talk to him i feel like as if i push him further away. or he just doesn't like me any more. It hurts in so many ways.

In the end. I hate my life, I dislike my self physically, emotionally, Personality wise. I want a lot out of life but feel as if i can't get it. All i do is drown my self in music try to hide from life its self with music. At times i feel as if I could run away. But there is no freedom from this. 
  • Current Mood
    disappointed disappointed

Something diffent

Well its been a while since i posted so i'll post something positive. For a change i've started the wii fit game just to see. My goal was set across 3 months to try and loose some weight maybe even gain some healthy lean muscle but well. See so far this is day two. LOL i've lost .2 lbs XD tis a start